Tough, tough, day.
"I would like to erase 2014 and start the year over" is what my father in law shared with my wife today. Cancer is a jerk. Now I know and understand why many family and friends with cancer have proudly sported t-shirts with the phrase "fuck cancer" across the front. Cancer takes many twists and turns and buckles everyone involved for an unpredictable and turbulent ride - as patient and supporter without regard.
We had a major victory yesterday only for it to be taken away today. Four setbacks to be exact. And none of them good enough for us to chalk up to an uneventful passing.
( I will fill in the above at a later time when it's appropriate to share)
Outside of the physical toll, it is emotionally draining on all involved. I see it in my nightly FaceTime (like Skype video calls) conversations with my wife.
She spent all week in the hospital. This morning I got the refreshing news he would be discharged later today. However once she hung up with me, the turn of events unfolded and his release was all but wishful thinking.
While pregnancy hormones may have a small role in the emotional state of mind, the preoccupation and sense of helplessness has often overcomes my wife's strength lately. It is normal to allow oneself to feel. A release is good, we should never bottle up our feelings inside. It's toxic to our emotional well-being otherwise. That's why I've never believed in telling others to "be strong." Showing emotion is healthy and refreshing for the soul. It too hurts me that we are living through this during our pregnancy. But it also grounds me that we are not in control, nor that we get to call the shots while we at times may think we do. Our life is undoubtedly a series of experiences. It's how we react to them that either strengthen or weaken our core. I chose to believe that everything we are placed to face is for a very calculated and premeditated reason and purpose.
In our call tonight, I actually saw my first baby's movement. I froze that moment in time. It was a ripple just to the right of wife's belly button. We both remained in awe.
This was our baby's physical expression of love awaiting our arms. Couldn't have asked for such a milestone on this Valentine's Day.